The last 36 hours was nothing but a strain on my mind. Good moments turning to bad moments, turning to scary moment, turning to proud moments, turning to happy moments, turning to loving moments. I guess i shouldnt say it that way, because that is not exactly the order it went in, or at least there were other moments in between.

36 hours ago, I woke up at 4:30am EST, as I do every morning for some not so unknown reason. I did my normal routine in preperation for my day, a trip into the city to see someone special. After coffee, a 45 minute shower, a quick email check, and making sure my Ipod was set to my favorite play list, I was out the door.

I won't bore you with my entire day, just the above mentioned high lights; A peaceful bus ride to Jamaica station (Good)
Falling down cement stairs after someone rushed past me (Bad)
Coughing up blood after the above fall (Scary)
Stopping a guy from stealing a womans purse on the subway to the Bronx (Proud)
Seeing my love's smile after a week (Happy)
Sharing one of the best kisses we have ever had (Loving)

That last moment took all the weight off my shoulders, and I felt refreshed and ready for anything.

Then of course, upon arriving home, my mother attempted to ruin my happy mood, as she always does. Her words rattled around in my mind since they left her lips.

But, with only a few words, my resolve was returned to me. "I love you baby, things are going to be ok." That is all it took.

So I will just simply say, at least for the moment, I am at peace with the world around me.

~Kuro Xue Enzeru

Dealing with so many stresses all at the same time can be so wearing on the brain cells. Dealing with my mother's phsycosis, my crumbling family, my fractured friends, and the distance between me and the one person I love is slowly driving me mad.

So I emerse myself in random thoughts of the present and future, and start writing, drawing, and taking new photos constantly. I don't even know why I am writting this, maybe it is just another way to distract myself from the thoughts plauging my mind.

Anger, worry, sadness, pain, all things I am trying to escape, and considering I don't think anyone will even read this, this will just be a place for me to vent.

~Kuro Xue Enzeru

After 19 years, I have finally figured something out. Through all the arguements, all the broken promises, all the lies, I have finally figured something out. You will never change, will you KJ? You have know me longer than anyone else possible could, and yet, you are the one who causes me the most pain.

You question me as to why I am always so depressed around you, why I don't smile and barely speak. You ask why I dont tell you personal things about my life, my choices, my thoughts. You are the reason why. You are suppossed to be the first person I trust, the first person I can go to when I have a problem.

Not only do I feel the opposite, feel that you are the last person I could go to, but you are the cause of most of my problems.

And I have finally figured out that you are never going to change. Waiting for you to change is like waiting for a mountain to cough, and covers its mouth when it does. I think you like being the way you are. Causing misery to those who are closest to you gives you sick joy.

But soon enough, it will all change for you. Soon, I will be moving on with my girlfriend, making her the woman of my life, my sister will be packing up her bags too once she reaches the same conclusion that I have.

So, instead of being pained by you, I pity you.

~Kuro Xue Enzeru

Yesterday I was angry, so angry. From things that people who are SUPPOSED to be my friends did, from things that people who are SUPPOSED to be my family did, I gained so much anger, so much rage. But one conversation, one person understanding, kindness, and love, changed that for me. So now, I feel so much better.

My declaration in yesterdays journal still stands, quite firmly in fact. But now, it is even stronger because of one simple fact; what adheres me to my choice is no longer rage, but resolve. And that, I only have one person to thank for.

Thank you, A.K.B.R.

~Kuro Xue Enzeru

I have been trying so hard, beating my brains out trying to fake false smiles and warm glances to keep the peace and save everyone elses feelings. It drives me crazy when I have to act like my coal black eyes are saying nice soothing things to those who do not deserve that peace of mind.

So I am done. The only ones who will see the nice side of me, the side of me that is warm, and inviting into my dark world are those I find deserving, and at the moment, that is only two people. For the rest, the term "if looks could kill" will apply to me so well, my passing glances will result in broken bones. I am done hidding my cold disposition to try and spare the feelings of those who care nothing of mine.

I say it now, and write it in stone, I am done.


~Kuro Xue Enzeru